Adultery | Facts, Myths And Reasons
Adultery causes pain, suffering, and crisis with both partners and destroys mutual trust, but if true love is somehow preserved, then the marital community can still be saved, provided that there is mutual understanding and truly wish for that, and that’s the reason why adultery cannot be seen as revenge.
Doubts and jealousy often bring exactly what they are afraid of -Thomas Jefferson
According to Wikipedia, “adultery is marital infidelity, that is, a form of extramarital sex that is a violation of a spouse’s obligations and is committed by one of the partners.”
This form of partner betrayal exists since marriage existed, with the adulterate being a husband, a woman, or both, and it happens accidentally or planned with one or more persons.
The consequences are usually divorce and family breakup or forgiveness and preservation of the marital community. It is known in all periods throughout history, and today we find it in all cultures around the world.
Adultery was always viewed as a negative phenomenon and condemned as an immoral act. The man’s adulterer would almost always be seen “through his fingers”, while the adulterous women were subjected to severe humiliation and severe condemnation, even punishment, and death.
Even today, in the 21st century, women who embark on a love adventure and extramarital sex are much more morally condemned than their husbands, and in countries where adultery is punishable, they are always more severely sanctioned. They can even get the death penalty, which is, for example, the case in some Muslim countries.
Who Cheats More Often? Man vs Woman
It is commonly said that men cheat more often than women, but also that women hide it more skillfully. Recent scientific research shows that 57 percent of husbands and 54 percent of women confessed committing Adultery in their marriage.
It is also important that 53 percent of all divorces were caused by adultery.
Because of unsatisfactory sex in their marriage, 20 percent of women decided to have an affair outside marriage, with 44 percent being attracted by an irresistible person.
When it comes to husbands, 35 percent wanted to spice up their love life, while 32 percent of women wanted to feel attractive and desirable.
48% of men decided to commit adultery because they wanted more frequent sex, while 47% of a woman wanted to experience different sex experience.
But I think that this is just an excuse because they could have had this experience in marriage since as many as 56 percents of male adulterers and 34 percent of female adulterers said they had a happy or very happy marriage.
How Cheating Happens
The roots of bitterness, often hidden, greatly determine how we receive and respond to the current stimuli to our consciousness. Since these roots are often invisible, they have more power to throw us out of our comfort zone when we are under pressure.
Communication Problem In Mariage
For example, the most common cause of failure in one marriage is the incompetence of one or both spouses to have a mutual conversation and understanding. This leads to loneliness and vulnerability.
Every person in such circumstances emotionally dies from within, whether she is aware of it or not. Sooner or later, someone will appear who can break through these barriers and communicate honestly with you.
He or she finds it strange because they expected warning signals or feelings of guilt. A man may be completely unaware of the fact that his conscience does not send him any signals because his spirit can be completely dead at that point.
Because of her/his emotional resurgence, she/he feels so well that she/he can not believe that a new relationship would be wrong or sinful. If he proceeds further and commits adultery, perhaps the mind will be poorly reminded of God’s laws, but his heart sings. He/she thinks love is happening. Now he/she is completely confused.
Can God’s laws be blamed? Are they just the fruit of human imagination? Certainly, I would not feel so alive if it was a sin.
The root of the problem
If we ignore the strong instant loneliness or how confusing the apparent happiness is in a sinful relationship, and the lack of guilt, in the background everything lies in resentment because of a bad relationship with one of the parents or some other bitter root. This root is the real cause, and it is driven by the current problems.
Adultery can happen in a lot of ways – with a secretary, fellow worker, friends wife or husband, someone advising you, a neighbor…
Some people go out only to find someone to commit adultery. Such people should seek professional help. Most often, “good” people are blinded by some hidden need or partly disturbed marital relationship, until they are close to being with a “right-wrong” person.
That’s why we need the help of a professional that will reveal to us what triggers adultery and with our work on the reasons, and not just the consequences.
Reasons For Infidelity
According to psychological research, women cheat when they are not emotionally fulfilled, while men engage in adultery when they are dissatisfied with physical contact in the relationship.
Namely, analyses have shown that women often decide to commit Adultery when they need comfort or feel alone, and their partner does not endeavor to provide emotional and psychological support.
Men are, however, much simpler. If they do not have regular sex or marriage relationships, men seek sex in someone else’s bed. Also, men often admit that they cheated because another woman was very attractive to them.
The results show that women are more inclined to fall in love with a partner cheating than men. On the other hand, men see adultery as a ‘temporary solution’.
A new study has shown that Adultery can be – hereditary. So whether the partner will be unfaithful (also applies to women and men) depends largely on whether his parents committed adultery. The study showed that if the parent was unfaithful, it was twice as likely that the child would commit adultery than in the case of children whose parents were faithful.
“We have discovered a strong connection between parental disorder and adultery among our respondents. Therefore, the parents’ love affairs are associated with the greater likelihood that their child will probably commit Adultery in his/her marriage. This information does not necessarily mean that a partner will deceive you.“
Check other posts from my blog:
7 Adultery facts
- It’s extremely rare that an affair can grow into a relationship. People often cheat because they are unhappy about where they are and that other person gives them what they need. But what happens among adulterers is most often only passion and fantasy that completely disappears after some time.
- Someone will always be hurt. Even if you manage to hide what you have done outside your marriage, there will be one person that will the pain of Adultery. And that person is you. Because that secret will burn from inside your body, and you’ll never have a chance to be happy as you were before you committed Adultery.
- Adultery is not only sexual. Connections often break apart for much deeper reasons than physical infidelity. Sex is one thing, but emotions are something completely different, and the affections that involve them are much worse than those that are purely physical.
- It’s hard to set boundaries. Many people think that they can deal with the fact that they are attracted to someone else and that they will easily resist the physical attraction. But then, over time, this border is crossed, and once cheating has occurred, it is difficult to stop.
- Lust for Adultery is a warning. If you are thinking of cheating your partner, then that’s a sign that something in your relationship is not working.
- Women do not cheat for the same reasons as men do. Women who cheat, usually do that in the hope that another man will fill in the emotional void they feel, but that usually does not happen. If you do not feel fulfilled and happy, work on yourself and fulfill your own needs, because no man will satisfy you if you are dissatisfied with yourself.
- Adulterers are not bad people. Adultery can happen to anyone, and this is not a sign that someone is a bad person. There is more to say about the moment of weakness and bad decision, for which the majority of people, in the end, are sorry, and only those who do not feel guilty after committing an affair are bad.
4 Adultery Myths
It happens for a better sex experience
This myth – it’s easiest to crash. It is a popular belief that the new sexual partner is the best aphrodisiac and cure for monotony in bed. It’s not like that! Exactly the opposite – with a new lover the inception of sex will be worse than having sex with a permanent partner!
Think for a moment: when was your sex better – the first time you went to bed with someone (and when both of you just learned what the other side best suited), or now, when you know each other “in the soul”? I think I can guess the most common answer!
Infidelity can help me
Your marriage got into a crisis. It’s boring to you, it kills your routine … Why not start with an adventure after which you will be happy and will be looking forward to returning to your marriage nest ?! Then everything will be better, you will be able to tolerate your boring partner and his tedious habits easier!
Perhaps, in theory, this sounds quite right. Maybe there is some “twisted logic”! Maybe somebody really does this! Everything is possible, but …
But, from rich practice, and from plenty of other people’s experiences – we assure you that these tips do not have much to do with common sense!
Yes, it is true that there is a possibility that adultery will really change your behavior – briefly. On the wings of your new adventure, and perhaps because of your guilty conscience feeling, you will be better with your partner for some time. You will react less deeply to things that have been annoying you before, but …
But things, however, are not so simple.
Adultery doesn’t need to have consequences
An ideal scenario that adulterers imagine (and who, in general, imagines a different scenario, but only the ideal comes to mind!). Means quickly getting to know some special, interesting, different – then simple and quick going to bed, and don’t worry, sex will be simply divine.
Unfortunately, this simply does not work in such a way.
What I do is my business
What I do with my body, it’s just my thing – the claim we hear very often. Of course, we all have the right to make our decisions and do almost anything we want.
An affair is not just an act of emotional or physical betrayal of your partner. It’s a complete betrayal! It is a knife in the back of your partner and its everybody’s business.
But even the partner is not the one who suffers the heaviest consequences. In all, the worst are those who are the weakest – children!
Surviving someone’s infidelity is hard, especially if your marriage has broken apart after that. Many accuse themselves, they think about what they could do differently, but also hate the person they use to trust with their life.
To help you survive Adultery, read these tips:
- Stop accusing yourself. No, it’s not your fault that your partner has cheated on you. If he continues to have a relationship with the person he deceived you, then the guilt is even greater on him/her. But, you realize that you are not guilty because there was not a good reason to be cheated.
- Accept that your marriage is over. Once you have decided to end the marriage due to the Adultery, accept it. Start a marriage separation process, move and hire a lawyer.
- Stop wasting energy on hating the person that has cheated on you. Unnecessarily wasting of energy and nerves in comparing yourself is not worthwhile, and for that reason, you will certainly not feel better.
- Do not let them get you to forgive. In order to continue, forgiveness is the next step. Take your time. Maybe it will take years to forgive him/her and start talking again, and maybe you will do it after a month. But be sure to consider forgiveness. Do not be misled. Forgiveness just means that your ex-girlfriend can no longer hurt you because you do not care.
- Don’t tell your children. As much as they are hurt, do not tell your children about Mom or Dads new friend. They don’t need your problems and its not their fault.
- Do not isolate yourself. Do not go through adultery alone. If it’s hard for you, look for a psychologist, or seek for a friend that is a good listener.
- Find yourself again. When you start to feel bad and miserable, remember that you were a great person, and you are still such. Get started with some sport, find a hobby, engage in your community…
- Do not let your ex steal your joy. You know how it is said, “The best revenge is a success” and that’s the truth. People who cheat want to show you how beautiful life they now have. But in fact, they just ask for a justification for their actions. Ignore them! Be your own and do not let them affect your life.
Bellow, I will post my favorite book from Amazon on this subject.
Read some of the reviews:
Linda J. Macdonald:
Esther Perel is an outstanding therapist and author. One of the most well-written self-helps books I’ve ever read. Her ideas resonated with me most of the book, until it took a turn for the worst, seeming to accept our culture’s new attitudes about “consent” to make the Poly-Amory movement OK. Just because someone agrees to participate (often with a lot of arm-twisting or one person just trying to please a potentially straying partner) doesn’t make it “right” or healthy. There has been a lot of research about the need for a healthy, trusting attachment throughout the lifespan, and that includes as adults.
I started following Esther Perel’s work years ago when she did a riveting TEDtalk about infidelity & she authored a fascinating book called MATING IN CAPTIVITY. Both captivated me –not just because it’s a titillating topic or because we were finally getting access to the underbelly of relationships that nobody openly discusses– but because her work is full of human truths. About desire, love, the often inconvenient construct of marriage, egos, the secret longings people hide. Loneliness. Communication and the lack there of. Connection. Sexual alchemy. Marriage with and without kids. Trauma. Responsibility.
We’ve all been touched by infidelity. Perhaps it was a father or mother that had an affair. Maybe it was close friends. Maybe it was you or your spouse. And no matter where you are in the spectrum there is hurt and a desire to understand what happened.
Esther Perell has been studying the psychology of affairs and relationships for quite some time. In this book, she shatters a lot of myths about the reasons behind affairs, love and the whys of it all.